A bar in my neighborhood is delivering entire liters of their premixed margaritas for $25 and you get a complimentary roll of toilet paper with your purchase and it’s really starting to feel like there are no rules anymore

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Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.


Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.


Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don’t have to tell me how a marriage works.


Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.



MARY: They’ve taken Jesus from his tomb

SIMON: Maybe they gave him Upjesus

MARY: What’s Upjesus?

JESUS {risen}: Not much, w—


[Prison Diary Day 5]

Did a perfect cartwheel today and nobody clapped. I hate it here


someone asked : are you coming?

me: No, but I’m breathing fast…




me: I guess I’ll save that one for Twitter