I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
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I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Is this you?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you