[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
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Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Untitled Goose Game (2019)