A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
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Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.