A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
let’s discuss
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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