A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.