A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
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Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again