A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
6: are snakes just neck?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.