@TheMichaelRock

A bee just landed on my cheek and didn’t sting me. I think we’re dating now.

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@QwertyJones3

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

@Wine_Charmer

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

@sammyrhodes

Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.

@ComedicBust

I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.

@leyawn

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

@ch000ch

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

@ItsAndyRyan

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

@shutupmikeginn

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

@TweetsByKaylee

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish