No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
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I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My teenage children choosing violence
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud