I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
A bee just landed on my cheek and didn’t sting me. I think we’re dating now.
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[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
I can’t RSVP until I know the wifi situation at your event.
I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish