I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day?
Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.
Lies I’ll never stop telling:
1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.
2. It’s 6 inches long.
3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.