A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

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I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.


I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.


Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day?

Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.


Lies I’ll never stop telling:

1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.

2. It’s 6 inches long.

3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.


I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.


“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing


I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end


*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six


Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac


I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.