[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

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Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.


me: i hate buzzfeed
buzzfeed: which type of bread are you? [QUIZ]
me: damn… what kinda bread AM i…


i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud


{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?


To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.


Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling