[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
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I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T