Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
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me: i hate buzzfeed
buzzfeed: which type of bread are you? [QUIZ]
me: damn… what kinda bread AM i…
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
the divorce rate for socks is 100%
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
[into the abyss]
no you hang up first
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling