#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Monica just destroyed the internet
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch