A better name for the Pope mobile would be a ‘Christler’.

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Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?


*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*


[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”


my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store


My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.


date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature

me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features


The latest medical advice is that people for whom this is relevant shouldn’t touch either of their two faces.


If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.