@imadepoopstoday

A better name for the Pope mobile would be a ‘Christler’.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

@UncleDuke1969

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

@justabloodygame

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

@seamussaid

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

@XplodingUnicorn

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

@NOTVIKING

date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature

me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features

@MeReflectingMe

The latest medical advice is that people for whom this is relevant shouldn’t touch either of their two faces.

@AimeeHelene1

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.