Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.