A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
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Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.