*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
It be like that sometimes 😆
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit