a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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me irl
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Mountain Goat : )
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
A fake ID that makes you younger
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day