A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
scrabbled eggs
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Smells like a challenge to me
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck