A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
You Might Also Like
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Happy thanksgiving
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true