A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.