A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

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Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”


every time my laptop fans start going mental I lean in and whisper “are you mining bitcoin you little shit”


[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]


I don’t suffer insomnia like most tweeters do.

I always get a solid 7, maybe 8 minutes of sleep every night.


*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*


Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo


Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.


Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.


[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell