A big thank you to whoever spraypainted “KARATE” on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.

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The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time


Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*


This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.


[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK


At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering


when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold


Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason


Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.


PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan