My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Hero horse inspires millions
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.