A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2