This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
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Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
my dad when a sex scene comes on
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Whoa 😂
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.