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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.