Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Real House Wines.