@markleggett

A bird in the hand is worth nothing and is probably giving you duck AIDS. Put it back.

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@katbento

Why hasn’t a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented?

What are our scientists doing?

@Brianhopecomedy

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

@InternetHippo

COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim’s mirror
ME: You can’t prove it was me
COP: It was written in Dorito dust
ME: I want a lawyer

@Landon8426

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

@GrowlyGrego

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

@rebrafsim

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

@_elvishpresley_

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

@bornmiserable

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

@dlockw21

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

@leshnevsky

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.