A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
do what now??
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar