I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
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Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
It’s worse than I thought
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.