@maurajbg

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

@joejwest

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

@abbycohenwl

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

@SirEviscerate

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

@climaxximus

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

@BuckyIsotope

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

@Marlebean

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

@MavenofHonor

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.