A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
🤣🤣🤣
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes