A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
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You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight