“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”

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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”


Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.


GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something


I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.


me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious


me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you


Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch


My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.