A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

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cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold


Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!




Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )


Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.


[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.


“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”


Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35


“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”