A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
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[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Twitter :
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