@alextranquada

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

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@MarfSalvador

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

@EmberToAsh

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

@AtticusFinch79

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

@UncleDuke1969

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

@obijawn

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

@Brentweets

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”