My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.