[a blind date]

me: you look disappointed?

him: your text said you model…

me: autocorrect must’ve changed it; i don’t model, i yodel. hey where are you going, should i just order for you?

You Might Also Like


Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.


People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”


In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.


Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.


If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.


I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.


Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud


I’d pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.