@DitzMcGeee

[a blind date]

me: you look disappointed?

him: your text said you model…

me: autocorrect must’ve changed it; i don’t model, i yodel. hey where are you going, should i just order for you?

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@cpsemple

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

@juliussharpe

People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”

@ScaryMommy

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

@TashyP_

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

@AnnietheNanny1

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

@JimmerThatisAll

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

@loudmouth_usa

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

@WillSaysStuff

I’d pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.