When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
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Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.