“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??