a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
mmm onion ringos
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
RT if you could go either way.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.