Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
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7: can I have a pop tart?
Me: we’re going to eat dinner soon
7: this will be my dinner
Me: fine but at least have a strawberry one
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.
*ref blows whistle*
Whistle: oh, oh god, wow. Oh geeeze
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[Julius Caesar being murdered]
“Just please don’t name a salad after me.”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way