@2browneyedboys

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

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@tastefactory

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

@DaddyJew

7: can I have a pop tart?

Me: we’re going to eat dinner soon

7: this will be my dinner

Me: fine but at least have a strawberry one

@TheBoydP

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

@elvisknievil

My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.

@truegritrumble

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

@delusions_of

[Julius Caesar being murdered]

“Just please don’t name a salad after me.”

@abbycohenwl

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way