A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
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Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Every photo I’m tagged in
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Friends that check up on you >
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
wow he looks just like him
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.