A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
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I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.