A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Just grow your own
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
me and my fake scenarios
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro