@omgthatspunny

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

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@avainwordland

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

@matt_simpson84

The best thing about Facebook is learning about all the 19-year-olds that miss the 80s.

@EndhooS

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

@chuuew

A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film

@ryan9billion

I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.

@dafloydsta

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

@robsan40

When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.

@GuyThe_Guy

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

@maurajbg

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”