@omgthatspunny

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

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@DionneMcNutt

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

@AmericanGent69

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

@VodkaAndCheeze

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

@GrumpyComments

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

@TheAlexNevil

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

@DanRegans

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

@shkeeber

Her: You into S&M.

Him: Sure.

Her: Good. *ties him to bed post*

Him: Oh yeah.

Her: Ready…?

Him: Torture me!

Her: *plays Nickelback*

@KKAlThani

If you don’t get sarcasm, follow these simple steps that will definitely help you understand it easily: Die.

@mack44_d

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…