Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about Facebook is learning about all the 19-year-olds that miss the 80s.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film
I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
*takes plate of fries with me*
When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*