A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

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Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.


Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.


Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?


Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.


Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…


People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food


Her: You into S&M.

Him: Sure.

Her: Good. *ties him to bed post*

Him: Oh yeah.

Her: Ready…?

Him: Torture me!

Her: *plays Nickelback*


If you don’t get sarcasm, follow these simple steps that will definitely help you understand it easily: Die.


So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…