A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

You Might Also Like


[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?


The best thing about Facebook is learning about all the 19-year-olds that miss the 80s.


[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap


A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film


I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.


[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
*takes plate of fries with me*


When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.


I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me


A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”