A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
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ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’