A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

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my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color


If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.


Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do


I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.


Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.


Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.

Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?


For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.


My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead


My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.