@mydmac
@mrjohndarby
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
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@mrjohndarby
@OhNoSheTwitnt
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
@TheToddWilliams
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
@WhaJoTalkinBout
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
@ThugRaccoons
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
@LuvPug
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
@bossy_bootz
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
@SkinnerSteven
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
@sweetmomissa
Garden of Eden pssshht, you’re gonna need cheese and not an apple to tempt me.
@stewteee
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!