my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
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If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.
Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.
Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.
Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.