@mydmac

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

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@mrjohndarby

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

@TheToddWilliams

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

@LuvPug

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

@bossy_bootz

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

@sweetmomissa

Garden of Eden pssshht, you’re gonna need cheese and not an apple to tempt me.

@stewteee

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!