grandma: more potatoes?
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me: Give me a minute
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Garden of Eden pssshht, you’re gonna need cheese and not an apple to tempt me.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!