A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you

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Yes, other people are stupid. But to everyone but you, you are one of those other people.


My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.


Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.


Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.


People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence


I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]


If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.


*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM


Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.