@InternetHippo

A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you

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@TheTweetOfGod

Yes, other people are stupid. But to everyone but you, you are one of those other people.

@SondraDeeMe

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

@thatRamosgirl

Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

@EwdatsGROSS

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

@junejuly12

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

@dafloydsta

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

@internetluke

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

@aissalanis

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

@SCbchbum

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.