@thom_ebooks

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

- @thom_ebooks

You Might Also Like

@nameterminated

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

@hrtbps

Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler?
Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.

@SondraDeeMe

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

@MrEd_EVH

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

@runawaycupcake

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

@murrman5

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

@SortaBad

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

@SuicideBooth1

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

@ryaninco

Me: I’ll take another drink.
Bartender: Would you like for me to call you a cab sir?
Me: No it’s cool he’s driving * points at chair*

@kimwilliamz

When somebody I blocked gets RT’d into my timeline it’s like they’re violating their restraining order.