a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
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Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
True?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.