A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
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Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.