A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
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yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
#polloftheday
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?