@2Saddington

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

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@drankturpentine

HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?

@lisaxy424

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

@Wuttercuerk

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

@Cheeseboy22

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

@WiseguyPictures

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

@kumailn

My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.

@LeBearGirdle

Me: [from table] gar?on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.