A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

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HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?


No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.


I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.


I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”


Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.


“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance


My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.


Me: [from table] gar?on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order


Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.