@FilthyRichmond

A box of Cadbury creme eggs just propositioned me. Now we’re in a van together.

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@panmidwest

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

@smashbrown_

U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?

@Sickayduh

Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old

@DaddyJew

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

@better_off_dad

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

@ericarhodes

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

@BunAndLeggings

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

@L8yK8y

I’m getting the hang of this hermit thing.
I only eat one meal a day now. It starts at 9 am and ends at 7:30 pm, but still.