i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
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People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
This is me
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”