A box of Cadbury creme eggs just propositioned me. Now we’re in a van together.

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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.


[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”


Husband: *is grumpy*

Me: Guys, looks like dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed

6YO: (suspicious) You rolled all the way to mom’s side of the bed?


My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.


My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered.


Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*


If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.


Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no