@FilthyRichmond

A box of Cadbury creme eggs just propositioned me. Now we’re in a van together.

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@roostermustache

Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns

Clown: nah we just want to scare people

Me: oh. can u make an exception for me

@TheAndrewNadeau

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

@rmfnord

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.

@Bob_Janke

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

@Jason_Horton

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

@bourgeoisalien

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

@LuvPug

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

@Georoyo

Marc Anthony jeans at Kohl’s come in three cuts – tuberculosis, heroin addict and skeletor.