A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
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Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
The best shot in the history of golf
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything