A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
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Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it