A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
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My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.