Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
A boy met a girl
She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place
He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?
She:No, I’m a dentist
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pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for ‘Old Spice’?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Me: I got mugged today
Friend: you should tell the police
Sting: there is literally nothing I can do to help you
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit