*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
A boy met a girl
She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place
He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?
She:No, I’m a dentist
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If you play any Radiohead song backwards it gives you the directions to a hip little sushi place in New York.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.