@iGreenMonk

A boy met a girl

She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place

He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I’m a dentist

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@TuckerFly1

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

@bourgeoisalien

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

@Cynner777

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

@Douchekevin

Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for ‘Old Spice’?

@TheDrunkStory

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

@mack44_d

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

@Darlainky

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

@ElliotHetherton

Me: I got mugged today

Friend: you should tell the police

[later]

Sting: there is literally nothing I can do to help you

@AndrewChamings

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit