There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.