@iGreenMonk

A boy met a girl

She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place

He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I’m a dentist

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@TheWoodenslurpy

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

@AimeeHelene1

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

@imdumbledaddy

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

@chuchugoogoo

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

@carlyken

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

@flashember

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

@sonictyrant

If you play any Radiohead song backwards it gives you the directions to a hip little sushi place in New York.

@BigJDubz

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

@Izianikapani

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

@TheNaique

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.