A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
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[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom