I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
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When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
ugh not again
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower